Written by me on 21 February 2014, in delirium.
Unknown by most patrons of the stages of Great Britain, the Bollocks Man
had a permanent job and he was paid by the Organisers. He had but one job, but
he did it well. Who he is/was remains a mystery, but what he did was
known by all.
It was the job of the Bollocks Man to attend large public gatherings,
preferably in closed auditoriums, and at the appropriate time and with much gusto
utter the word “Bollocks!”. The gatherings included political rallies, mass
meetings, award ceremonies and his personal favourite, live stage productions. This
author knows for fact that stage productions were manipulated to include a
mention of the Bollocks Man, thus: at the appropriate stage in a play, at a
point when there was expected to be silence in the audience, the Bollocks Man
would do his thing at which time, and only at his direction, the designated
actor would turn around, face the audience and say “You sir, yes you. [pointing
vaguely in the direction of the perpetrator] What is it that you say?”. The
response from the Bollocks Man was to say “Bollocks I say again” and then he
would get up, and leave the auditorium. In short-run stage productions, this “incident”
was not repeated and even in long running shows, a repeat was very rare.
There was some discussion by the corps of critics, but as they were in
total disagreement, the incident was never featured in their columns. They had
the germ of the idea, but failed to agree on such an obvious ploy by the stage
director to break the fourth wall. So, the Bollocks Man continued his work as
we all know how many stage productions, speeches, rallies and such are held
annually in Great Britain. He became part of the fabric of audience life and
his appearances were mostly anxiously anticipated. Publicly there was not much
discussion, but privately some people stated that they only kept attending
sometimes lackluster events in the hope that the Bollocks Man would “do his
thing”. Of course there were imitators, and they are still heard all over, but
none have the presence in voice of the original. Feeble attempts were launched
when some audience member would shout “Horseshit”, but they were ignored as being common hecklers and
went away.
It is conjectured that the Bollocks Man is either a town crier or a member
of the Toastmasters Guild or both, but no person this author approached were
willing to discuss this. Nevertheless, even though he was gainfully employed by
for at least 47 years, he must have had a quite miserable life as he was never
present to see the end of any occasion when he “did his thing”. Or maybe, that
fact made him quite happy – would you not also liked to be paid to say “Bollocks”
and then leave the party?
“Hold on” you say,” what happens next? Will there be a new Bollocks Man?
And when will he show himself”? I can only say – go and attend those public
occasions and listen in anticipation for the return of the Bollocks Man. Who
knows?
So here then is the salute to the Bollocks Man:
“Bollocks I say again”.
[exit theater left]
------
Further reading:
The Origin of the Bollocks Man.
Was the Bollocks Man a paid Heckler?
On Stage Direction and Misdirection.
The Public Artifice Explained.
Breaking the Fourth Wall. John Briks.
